10 things men should NEVER say to their pregnant partner

The men in our lives aren’t pregnant. They have never been pregnant. They WILL never be pregnant. They don’t know what it’s like to carry a human being around in their body for nine months. They don’t know what it’s like to have 100,000 different types of hormones fizzing around our bodies, toying with us, making us cry at ads for Sudocrem.

So the way we see it, they better be very, very careful with what they say to us when we’re expecting. And so, to help avoid any undue stress on all you mamas-to-be, here is a handy list of no-gos the love of your life can study and memorise:

1. Babe are you seriously hungry AGAIN?

Babe, do you have a human being inside your body, leeching off your energy and kept alive solely because you have created a safe host environment for it to do so? What was that? No? Well put a sock in it and pass me the Kettle Chips.

2. Your ankles are so fat! How did that happen?

Hun, can you go pack a bag? No, no, not for the hospital, calm down I’m not in labour. No, it’s for you.

3. Are you sure it’s mine?

I don’t care if you’re joking – IT’S NOT FUNNY!

4. Stop moaning!

If there’s any time in my life where I have carte blanche to moan, it’s when I’m pregnant. Don’t you know anything?

5. God this pregnancy is taking ages

MMF.

6. Oh this delicious glass of red wine is just what I needed

DOUBLE MMF.

7. You have to go to the bathroom AGAIN? Why didn’t you just go before you left?

Well darling, my uterus has expanded and therefore is pressing on my bladder. On top of this, the pregnancy hormone hCG is increasing the blood flow to my pelvic area. You were saying?