While our natural instinct as mums is to protect our children, new research published in the Personality and Social Psychology journal from social scientists at the University of Toronto, has said that parents putting on a ‘fake-happy face’ in front of the kids not only harms their own well-being, but can also damage the bond between parent and child.
“For the average parent the findings suggest when they attempt to hide their negative emotion expression and over-express their positive emotions with their children, it actually comes at a cost: doing so may lead parents to feel worse themselves,” says researcher Dr Emily Impett.
“The findings shed light on one condition under which parenting may be associated with more pain than pleasure: when parents express more positive emotions than they genuinely feel and mask the negative emotions that they do feel when caring for their children.”
The study revealed that parents who tried to be ‘perfect’ in front of their children felt inauthentic and had a worse relationship quality with their children than those who shared their true feelings.
“Parents experienced costs when regulating their emotions in these ways because they felt less authentic, or true to themselves,” Dr. Bonnie Le, the study’s first author, added. “It is important to note that amplifying positive emotions was relatively more costly to engage in, indicating that controlling emotions in ways that may seem beneficial in the context of caring for children can come at a cost.”
We certainly understand the basic tenets of these findings. It makes sense that an authentic, truthful relationship between mum and child is necessary to forge a strong and lasting bond. However, we think how this is approached must be carefully considered – so while we should tell our kids that we feel upset, we need to find ways to do it while protecting them.
And as Dr Emily Impett concludes, “Future research should identify more adaptive ways for parents to regulate their emotions that allow them to feel true to themselves and contribute to the most joyful and optimal experiences of parenting.”
How do you approach feeling upset in front of your kids? Do you mask your feelings to protect them? Or have you found a way to let them know how you feel, while protecting them? We would love to hear your experience on this mums, so please do get in touch.
