There are two types of tiredness: pre-kids and post kids.

 

Pre-kids is when we THOUGHT we were tired, but were in fact extremely well-rested individuals who hadn’t a clue, God love us.

 

Post-kids is where we are now, and we can’t help but laugh bitterly at the innocent and naïve pre-kids us, because at this moment we would happily hand over our right foot and the sum of €500 if it meant we could spend an interrupted 24-hours in bed.

 

Here are 12 (well, hopefully we’ll get through writing them all before dozing off) signs you’re a sleep-deprived mama:

 

1. You could fall asleep ANYWHERE

 

The bus? Check. Five-minute power naps in the toilet? Check. On an escalator? Check. You know you’re sleep deprived when you look at a bed of nails and think, ‘Ah now, I wouldn’t say it would be THAT uncomfortable’.

 

2. You’re irritable

 

You can’t help but snap at people’s innocent questions. If you drop something on the floor the effort required to pick it up provokes a litany of expletives. You irrationally think everyone is an eejit.

 

3. Your dream outfit is a pair of PJs

 

Some people might be all about a Dolce and Gabbana gown, a Peter Pilloto shift dress, a pair soft black Saint Laurent trousers. Not you. Oh no, your dream outfit is a pair of fleece pyjamas from Penneys.

 

 

4. You’ve begun to call your kids by a new name

 

The words ‘kids’ and ‘children’ have been replaced with ‘sleep stealers’.

 

5. Your brain and mouth don’t match up

 

You’re trying to talk, God knows you are, but when you do, all that comes out is a jumble of gibberish. Just let us sleep. Someone. Anyone.

 

6. You get things wrong

 

You’ve called your children Zack and Katy. Which wouldn’t be so bad if their names weren’t in fact Mark and Amy.

 

 

7. You’ve put the milk in the boot of the car

 

And your foundation in the freezer. And your runners in the oven. And the kids toys in the bath.

 

8. The thought of sex makes you laugh – hysterically

 

Hahahaha sure who would have time for that?

 

9. You plan revenge

 

You daydream about when your toddlers are teenagers so you can return the favour with delightfully early starts and noise, lots and lots of lovely noise.

 

 

10. You’re... hirsute

 

Your legs are a dead ringer for the abominable snowman. Your armpits resemble Julia Roberts at the Notting Hill premier circa 1999. And you couldn’t care less.

 

11. You forget something important

 

You’ve packed the baby’s bag with 1001 ‘essentials’. You’ve pulled out of the drive. You’ve just remembered the baby is still in the sitting room in her car seat.

 

12. You used a library card to pay for the shopping

 

“What do you MEAN you can’t accept this?!”

 

So mums, how do you score? Are you a sleep-deprived parent? And do you have anything to add to our list?

 

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