1. You’ve called your daughter Ella. And your son Ferrero. Oh, people say, are you Italian? Panicked you lie and say yes, your great grandparents were from Tuscany.
2. When someone asks you for a loan of an umbrella you grab them by the shoulders and shout, “Nutella? Where? WHERE?”
3. You’ve started to crawl into the press and eat it furtively, such is your shame.
4. You defensively shout “I don’t have a problem!” when a concerned family member asks how many jars you went through this week.
5. Cleaning the jar out is unnecessary. You have seen to that.
6. You’ve googled ‘Nutellaholics Anonymous’. And when you couldn’t find one you contemplated setting one up. Out in the shed.
7. You view buttered / marmalade / jammed toast as a wasted opportunity. A crying shame. A travesty.
8. You’ve managed to convince yourself it’s good for you. “Children in France have it every morning for breakfast!” and “Hazelnuts are the main ingredient!” are you most oft-used justifications.
9. The day you tried Nutella ice-cream was the happiest day of your life.
10. Your bread to Nutella ratio is generally ‘Nutella with a bit of bread on it’.
11. The sink is full of spoons splodged with Nutella. Which annoys everyone. Which is why you take your jar into the hotpress so you can eat in peace.
12. You’ve taken a selfie with your jar of Nutella.
13. You’ve booked a table at a swanky restaurant so you and your Nutella can have a romantic date.
14. Whenever anyone asks you to make them a Nutella sandwich you scrape on the stingiest layer imaginable. When the complaints come flooding in you say whoops it’s gone. “But we had a new jar!” “I SAID, it’s gone!”
Can you relate? Are you addicted to Nutella? Are you reading this from the hotpress, spoon of Nutella in hand?
