The start of 2018 has been difficult, after having chest pains I was referred to cardiology for bloods, ECG, x-rays, echo, CT scan and still awaiting more. I tend ‘wait and see’ with problems but after reoccurring chest pains for the past year, I knew I couldn’t just ignore it anymore. I haven’t even told many friends or family so reading this they may be surprised. I appear to be a healthy non-drinker, non-smoker, it just shows you never know just by looking what someone may be going through. Judgement is part of human nature but maybe next time you make an assumption about someone just take a second to pause and consider things a little before speaking or judging.
I have no idea what’s going on other than there is something abnormal with my heart as results show. It is a scary time, mostly so as my children are three and four and it means evaluating their future with the possibility without me. In the next few weeks, I am expecting to hear my chances of having a heart attack in the next five to ten years. I’m not yet 33. I’m relatively calm as I must be for my family, but it makes me evaluate things and put things into perspective. So, as I awaited more testing, each bigger than the last I consider my families and my own future. I still hope I don’t have to hear the words of high-risk heart attack or any other major issues they may uncover. I’m not sure how anyone deals with that. I am aware there will be many mums in a far worse position and I’m grateful for still having a good chance at being ok. After reading a tragic article recently, I have had to tell my kids school if I ever don’t turn up with the kids to call me, to call my husband, to call someone to check my kids are ok.
Women are strong and I have so much respect for all others out there going through anything from sleepless nights to chemotherapy. I think you get through because you have to, there is no other option for a mother than to try. The health system has been amazing, without it I would have had to make the decision of being able to afford the tests and treatment. I am the lucky one, not having to worry about the financial cost at this time.
My husband is a great dad and I know he would find a way without me, he will remember the words I say. So I have just put a few words down, just in case I don’t get to tell my children, just in case they can’t remember.
Dear Children,
Just in case I’m not here to tell you, I love you both, you will always be part of me, always with me. I give you a thousand kisses every day to last you a lifetime even in my absence. I am the ghost you see at night that sneaks into your room once your asleep and steals an extra kiss and tells you ‘I love you’ in case I don’t wake.
This has been the way since the first day I saw you. I’ve not always been the perfect mum, but I have always shown you love unconditionally. You make me laugh and smile, I’m so proud of who you are and who you are becoming. Remember with hard work, love and play and you will achieve anything. You are capable of changing the world, with your determination and kindness. You will accomplish great things in life, my greatest accomplishment is you. Try hard and if you don’t succeed that’s ok as long as you learn from it. Failure just means you’ve had the courage to try something, some of the greatest lessons we learn are from our own failures. Be confident in who you are, as you are beautiful all the way through. My little girl, you are born to be a leader, so strong and intelligent. My big boy, your gift is your determination and independence, you could accomplish anything you chose. Remember you are loved by many more, love for you runs deep and far. Trust in those around you that love and care for you, trust that everything will be ok.
If something happens to me I would gladly accept it if it meant sparing you any pain and so you could live long, healthy and happy lives. Its ok to feel angry, sad or happy, remember only love lasts forever and everything else will pass. If you start to forget it’s ok, it doesn’t mean I’m not with you, instead look inside your heart and you there you will find me. I always see parts of myself in you, but you are a better version of me. You carry my life inside you as you are in me. Life isn’t always fair so fight for what you believe in and let go of the small stuff. Hate in your heart will consume you but love will spread to others. Even if you can’t see me, instead feel me in the energy all around you, I will be there. You make me happy and proud, continue to smile, play and look after each other. Remember you will never be alone, you always have each other.
My children, I love you and my love runs deep and eternal I will be with you, always. Mum
