During the teen years, children's friendships become more complicated than they were in the primary school years. Teenagers begin to seek greater intimacy and trust in their friendships. Friendships during the teenage years become more similar to those we hold as adults.
Teens begin to look for a friend who they can have an emotional connection with that goes deeper than wanting to play together. However, because of the developmental changes occurring in their lives, relationships during these years are likely to be fraught with frequent friendship issues as they work out their own identity and as they mature.
Here are some of our top tips on how you can help your teen deal with friendship problems:
Take time to listen
Children who are upset or distressed simply need someone who will listen. However, our teens are more likely to push us away than they are to confide in us, so we need to make it easy for them to talk to us. One on one time, family meals, long walks or even texting can be helpful in getting them to open up.
Ask questions
It is tempting to try and solve your child’s problems with your knowledge and wisdom. Telling them how to solve all of their problems would be easy but teenagers resist this approach. Instead, try to understand that they have the answers necessary to solve their own problems, ask questions which will lead them to the answers they need:
- How has this affected you?
- How has it affected the friendship?
- How does this fit with your view of friendships?
- Only after you have listened to your child should you offer to share your opinion, if your child is interested that is.
Be a model
Show your child how positive friendships should function by surrounding yourself with good friends who are trustworthy, loyal, fun, and who share your values and goals.
Invite your child's friends over
Encourage your teen to spend time with her friends at your home. It’s a good way to ensure they are safe and you can help your child build relationships in an environment you feel good about. Plus, you can supervise and observe (at a distance) and then ask questions about the relationships you see.
Get out more
Encourage your teen to participate in extra-curricular activities like sports, music or even a part-time job where they can develop new relationships with people who have similar interests.
Monitor technology
Mobile phones, facebook, instant messaging, and technology can be both positive and negative for teenage friendships. Keep an eye on what your child is sending and receiving as this way you can help your child make good decisions.
What NOT to do
The following will only serve to backfire:
Banning friends. This should never be done! Research shows that teenagers will rebel against parent’s display of power and as a result will spend more time with friends who have been banned.
Talking at them, judging them, or criticising them. Your teenager needs your support, guidance, and needs you to be a model for what good relationships are.
Confronting offenders. If your child is hurt by a supposed friend (or a bully), getting involved will rarely solve things. Instead, speak to your child and help him to reach a conclusion about what should be done.
