Transgender youth are one of the most vulnerable sections of the society. Studies have shown that they commonly face extreme transphobia, discrimination, and rejection, resulting in extremely high rates of anxiety, depression, suicide ideation and even suicides among trans youth. We, as a society, have failed these young people, and it is upon us to provide them a safe space to be who they are, to explore their gender identity and cherish themselves. Parents are the first people who should work towards creating a safe and healthy environment for their trans children. Here are a few ways you can be a supportive and kind parent when your child comes out as trans.
Use Their Chosen Name
One of the simplest things you must start with is getting their name right. Most names in a majority of cultures are gendered, and hence, People often decide to use more gender affirming names upon coming out. Being called or referred by the wrong name can trigger stress and dysphoria. You might have been used to their assigned name for all these years, but this is not the name they go by anymore. Therefore, it is time you start using the correct name. Have a talk with them if feel like a legal change in name might be a more affirming step ahead. If they wish so, a simple deed poll can help them legally change their birth name to a preferred name.
Use Correct Pronouns
For languages with gendered pronouns, these are intrinsically tied to one’s gender identity. Using the wrong pronoun deliberately is an act of misgendering and microaggression against them. When your child shares their preferred pronoun, make it a point to start using it, even behind their backs, while this might seem like a bit of effort at the beginning, but keep correcting yourself and using the right pronouns that they choose to go by. Soon you will get the hang of things, and your child will greatly appreciate your support and effort. Referring to them by their chosen pronouns is an act of affirmation and acceptance.
Keep Your Mind Open
This can be a very confusing and tumultuous time for your child. They may struggle with their gender, uncertain about their identity, or simply feel messed about the entire situation. It is important that you keep your mind open and simply be supportive of them. They might change their labels, but they are not changing their minds, they are simply exploring what feels right to them. Gender is a spectrum, and not a handful of defined labels to fit into, hence, gender identities can overlap, shift or present in a fluid form. Be understanding and give them the space and time to figure themselves out.
Do Not Complain
The most common mistake that parent make is complaining that it is difficult to accept their child as a different gender or to convince others the same. It is important to remember that however hard it is for you to understand this change, it is much harder for your child to go through it. Coming out can be a terrifying, overwhelming and at times, isolating experience. The last thing you need to encumber your child with, is your feelings towards their gender identity. This will do nothing more than inducing guilt and make them feel unwanted or like a burden. At this point your biggest job is to assure them that they are loved, no matter what.
Encourage Conversation
This phase can be an exceptionally hard time, with the risks of discrimination, bullying or harassment rampant around. Add to that the stress of being different from the majority, trying to understand gender identity, added to the other tensions that they have. Always maintain open channels of conversation with your child, without any threats, punishments or judgment, so that you are the first one they come to, in case of trouble. Give them an option to come to you any time they need you. However, give them their space, and do not push too hard either.
Do Your Research
A little effort on your part goes a long way in making your household a welcoming place for your child. It is a good idea to do some research to be able to understand what your child is going through. Basic research on their gender identity can help you get a grasp of what it means and offer you the knowledge to address and take better care of their needs. This will be excellent support for your child. It will make them feel understood, loved and accepted as well as, in turn, improve your bond with them. You can join support groups for parents of trans children to help you be more open and supportive at home. It will also offer you quality trans-affirmative resources if your child or you require medical or mental health help.
A little bit of love, acceptance and kindness will go a long way in offering your child a happy and supportive environment to thrive.
