To my first born child,
As I creep into your room to give you one final kiss goodnight, smooth out your covers and turn out the light, I wonder exactly where the last four years have gone.
I realised today that there are just eight more pre-school sessions before the summer holidays. Eight more pre-school sessions before Primary School, and I feel so sad.
I wish I’d appreciated the lunch time chats, and listened to what you were trying to say without hurrying you through it all, or nagging you to eat up quicker. I wish I’d enjoyed our lazy mornings where we could slob around in our PJs. I wish I’d let you stay up later and cuddled you that bit tighter.
As I watch you grow and encourage you to be independent, like persuading you to go for a wee without me there. True, I stand at the bottom of the stairs so you can hear my voice; I know that there will be a day not too far in the future that you’ll close the door and not need to hear my voice.
I know that my first baby will soon not be my baby anymore, you’ll be my big boy who goes to school and does things alone because you are confident and brave. I know that I have made you that way, but there is a huge part of me who selfishly longs for you to stay little just that bit longer. I want you to need me when you’re afraid, when you’re proud, to see your face looking at me for approval or a kiss or a cuddle. I want you to tell me forever that you love me, my new favourite one is that ‘you heart me’.
I don’t want to lose this time we’ve had together because, my darling boy, I shall miss you so.
There’s a song, Taylor Swift sings it and to be honest I think I might quite hate it now, but it sums up exactly how I feel.
“Your little hand’s wrapped around my finger
And it’s so quiet in the world tonight
Your little eyelids flutter cause you’re dreaming
So I tuck you in, turn on your favourite night light
To you everything’s funny, you got nothing to regret
I’d give all I have, honey
If you could stay like that”
Tonight while you sleep, I will allow myself to feel sad and cry but tomorrow, I will be brave and I will nag you to get dressed on your own; to brush your teeth and go for a wee because you have to grow up.
I shall step over you whilst you lie on the floor saying it’s too hard and you don’t want to…and I will make you do it. I will tell you what a big boy you are and how grown up and strong you will be, and all the while, in my head, I will be singing that song that I really hate right now. It is too close to the truth.
“Oh darling, don’t you ever grow up
Don’t you ever grow up, just stay this little
Oh darling, don’t you ever grow up
Don’t you ever grow up, it could stay this simple
I won’t let nobody hurt you, won’t let no one break your heart
And no one will desert you
Just try to never grow up, never grow up”
You have to grow up - I know that. I am so excited to see the person you are going to be, but tonight I’m just missing the tiny person that you were.
I love you