Amie Jones was admitted to a psychiatric hospitals less than two weeks after the birth of her son, and now wants to raise awareness of post-partum psychosis.
21-year-old Amie had no idea what post-partum psychosis was until she suffered from intense panic attacks and hallucinations, after falling pregnant at 18.
"I was 18 and panicked. I crumbled. I punched my stomach, my head was all over the place," she honestly admitted.
"I had so much doubt in my mind, that I should just end my life now. The baby was the only thing keeping me from doing it."
Throughout her entire pregnancy she questioned her ability to be a good mum but was afraid to say anything in case social services got involved.
"I actually felt mortified and depressed and I worried I would not be able to bond with my baby. I had a psychiatrist that I saw every four weeks who was lovely, but I didn't want to tell her that I didn't think I could love my baby, as I didn't want social services getting involved."
In her second trimester she was diagnosed with bipolar by a specialist mental health midwife at St Mary’s Hospital in Manchester, and a month before her due date she told the midwife exactly how she felt.
"I'd been on maternity leave so had spent a lot of time alone with my thoughts. I'd think about giving birth and then running away. I was numb, and wanted to end my own life. Now when I think about that, it upsets me."
Amie was cared for at Ramsgate House, a community mental health clinic, and was induced two weeks early.
Baby Oscar arrived on 26th July 2014, but the problems didn’t stop then:
"After being in labour for 21 hours Oscar was born on 27th July. I felt awful that I didn't feel anything. When I took Oscar home my heart was constantly racing, I was always panicked and on edge. I had no clue what I was doing and I couldn't look at him when I was feeding him. I'd shake a toy in front of him because I thought that's what I was meant to do, but I was not connected. I felt like I needed help, that I couldn't do it. To me it felt like Oscar was crying all the time, but in hindsight he was a good boy [sic],” she told The Huffington Post.
Amie was referred to a mental health unit after suffering from panic attacks, and feared that her baby would be taken away from her.
"I was feeling suicidal, but what was stopping me ending my life was having Oscar with me. A voice in my head said, 'Right, when the nurse leaves the room, just run.' When I think about it now, it seems sinister – planning to run away and leave my baby so I could go kill myself."
"It was on the second day that a psychiatrist diagnosed me with post-partum psychosis and put me on anti-psychosis medication and sleeping tablets."
Amie was allowed return home in November of that year, and admits that she is a lot better now:
"I'm still on lots of anti-psychotic medication, as well as medication to help my depression, and I have my community psychiatric nurse from Ramsgate House that I can call. I love the bones off Oscar now. I never thought I would feel this way about him. When he goes to stay with his dad I miss him."
"I'm proud of where I am in comparison to last year, and I'd happily have another child."
