Having a new baby, whether it's your first for your sixth, is always going to sake things up. Your own body is recovering from the massive feat of child birth and your have a (lovable) little tyrant dictating the household by crying, pooping, eating and sleeping.

 

So you wouldn't necessarily think that being in  the early days of motherhood is anything like fitting into a new office environment- but according to Laura Mazza, it is.  

 

And it's hilarious. 

 

 

"Having a new baby is like getting a new job," she writes. 

 

"You start off with the three month probation period. These three months are the most difficult three months in your career. Your boss is basically a jerk. He is always angry and upset, he occasionally gets so engrossed in his work and sh*ts himself and cries a lot. He told you when you started that the hours were flexible “family friendly” he said, but what he meant was that you could be working overnight without double time or a toilet break." 

 

He sounds like a terror- but just wait until you hear what she had to do to get the job. 

 

"You had to do an extensive medical to even get the job, the medical was so extensive that it left you out of breath with pains shooting up your lady garden, and at the end you either get gutted or ripped a new one (they choose for you) and then you have to take as many pain killers as you can until you get thrush. It’s very brutal." 

 

 

The new boss requires a lot of supervision and attention from his employees, as well as some choice cuisine. 

 

"So you’re trying to recover from that but you also have to keep feeding your boss because he forgets to eat, he’s actually very incapable and highly emotional (pressures of the job). Every time you feed him you have to grate a bit of your nipple off. I know what you’re thinking but apparently it’s legal... (it’s some delicacy where he’s from and is part of your job description) sometimes it gets too much constantly feeding him and grating, so you just top him up with a pre-made lunch that’s been grated by daisy that cow from accounts, but then you have Brenda from HR with her bitchass know-it-all attitude telling you fed isn’t best and that if you really cared about the company you would be grating that nipple day and night and loving it! Otherwise you should be fired. F**king Brenda."

 

And not to mention the suffering of your work/life balance. 

 

"Your friends stop asking you to do anything because you’re always working. You’re so desperate to just have a coffee with them, even a lunch break! But you can’t, you’re so busy. You stop showering and start living at the office, You start to only wear baggy clothes to work and big granny undies (it’s actually part of the uniform)" 

 

 

But there is hope at the end of the three month probation. Things will start to look up during those never-ending night-shifts. 

 

"And finally, finally finally...you reach the end of the three month probation and things start to get better. Sure, you’re still working into the night but your boss tells you you’re doing a good job, not verbally, he barely talks, but with a smile.. he’s always staring at you like he’s got some sort of crush and it’s because you know it must be because you’re doing a good job. You actually start to enjoy working, and you feel more recovered from that horrible medical. You realise those three months were really shit, but you survived them and now you’re ready to be CEO of the company you’re that good... kind of.

 

"The day also finally comes when you build up enough courage to ask him if you have the job and if you can get your pay for the last three months, where he grunts and spits up his milk in your hair and tells you that your job is actually at a volunteer basis, that you won’t be getting any lunch breaks, no holidays, no sick pay, no long service leave, that you and him are in it for the long haul together...

 

"And for some screwed up reason, you’re really cool with that.." 

 

We know we'd be handing in our CV's! 

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