I’m not really one for resolutions or the whole new year-new-me mindset.
They never seem to work out. You get to March and your still the same person you were in October except now you feel even more shit about it than you did before.
A change in the year doesn’t really impact upon your life other than the awkward period in the first few weeks of January (and probably February) that you constantly write the wrong date. Otherwise, it’s just the same. This year though I’ve tried to make myself a promise; I’m going to try and find a level of peace within myself.
Anyone who reads anything I write on a regular basis will know that at times I struggle with a lot of the choices I’ve made. I know that’s part of being a parent; never really knowing if what you’re doing is for the best. Couple that with, at times, bad anxiety and the result is a hurricane of self-doubt.
I want to be happier, not constantly thinking about how I’ve been, what I’ve done or if the insomnia is really bad.
I don’t want to keep thinking about the past; it’s not like I can change it now and even if I could it would probably turn out exactly the same way. In the words of Elsa from Frozen, I want to let it go...
I want to let the small things go, not think about them beyond the instant that they happen; I want to be a happier mother.
I’m not saying I’m ever going to be super zen and I am going to stick by my strict standards, BUT I want to give them a break; they’re children, they don’t have to be perfect all of the time. I want to not worry my husband.
He knows the bad days just by looking at me, or the nights when he wakes at 3 am and I’m not there, knowing that I’ve given up on sleep and ventured downstairs. I want to be free of everything that weighs me down, to not sometimes feel like its a constant effort to just one foot in front of the other. Somewhere, someway back when there was a confident woman who didn't find her anxiety that difficult to control and who didn't look back and once said that 'our mistakes are what make us who we are.' I'd like to find her again.
I think at some level the people closest to me know that there's a change coming; I received an electric aromatherapy burner, oils and a guide as a gift for Christmas, which I have to admit is making an amazing difference already.
On anxious days the smell of lavender is calming and I think it is helping me in my quest to be more at peace. It's certainly helping to calm my mind and aid my sleep; maybe its all psychosomatic - but whatever helps.
Perhaps what I am trying to achieve is a resolution, and I’m just in denial as I know most resolutions fail. But I’m hoping that I can succeed with this one.
If I can be more at peace with myself then I’ve got this feeling that my life and the lives of my family will improve. I might not get there within a year, it might take an awful lot longer; I’ve had anxiety for more years than I can count, so perhaps expecting peace within twelve months is overly ambitious but it is a step in the right direction. If nothing else can be achieved this year then at least I can be safe in the knowledge that my house smells beautiful!
Oh, and a small tip, whilst peppermint oil smells beautiful and refreshing, the oil to water ratio needs to be right otherwise it can cause an eye-burning side effect.