This is one funny mum!
A mum has perfectly demonstrated the massive difference between parenthood expectations and reality – via a hilarious Gumtree ad.
‘Kobie’ took to the site to sell an antique bassinet she says she bought “in a whimsical moment in early pregnancy when I thought being pregnant would be a holy, other-worldly experience and had images of myself, glowing and slim, dressed in long white flowing dresses whilst I rocked my angelic baby in a white, wicker cradle”.
And we can totally relate. Who doesn’t get carried away when they find out they’re going to be a mum? Wasting money on a load of crap is a rite of passage for mums-to-be – so it’s lucky once the fever wears off and we calm down we can resell it on sites like Gumtree!
But in a classic lesson of expectation-versus-reality, Kobie realised motherhood was not this ethereal, heavenly experience where we float around looking like Michelle Pfeiffer.
Nope, it’s altogether less glamorous – to say the least.
“After getting fat, bloated, sweaty and flatulent; discovering babies only smelled nice depending on whether you sniffed them before or after a wee/ poo/ vomit/ washing between their fat rolls,” the newly disillusioned mum wrote. “And finding that I was too busy feeding/ trying to get my baby to sleep to entertain fantasies of being a stunning Gaia Earth Mother I now need to sell so I can afford a haircut (easier then washing it at the moment).”
Antique bassinet; from a time when babies were men. Baby not included. $100.00 Negotiable
This 100+ year old bassinet was designed in a time when babies were men, and those man-babies didn't need no comfy, flat, safe cradles to sleep in. Co-sleeping? Pffttt... Put a blanket in a cauldron and those man-babies will have water boiling for your morning cuppa when you get up to feed them.
Word of warning: midwives hate it. The old-fashioned design of the bassinet is such that, upon seeing it, a Community Nurse will let out a squeal of dismay, whose pitch and captured horror will lead you to frantically glance at your undies drawer and wonder if you forgot to tuck any 'toys' away that had somehow migrated into the cradle and were currently being used as a pacifier by your sweet child. Let's face it; it wouldn't be the first time.
The people this bassinet would most appeal to are middle-aged women who wander markets and festivals with their creepy life-like dolls in old, turn-of-the-century prams. The type of women who have a look of elation, tempered by a studiously exasperated groan when stopped for a look; followed by a slightly murdery glare when asked if the baby is real. The type of woman who might seem well-rounded and down-to-earth, until one looks under her floorboards.
Now that I've endeared myself to my target audience, let me just say that the bassinet is as pretty as a picture; so long as you don't look too close at the homemade liner and mattress cover. These were surprisingly expensive at $50 for fabric, and $3500 for the sewing machine, which somehow ended up in pieces on the living room floor after being thrown, stomped on, and then beaten into submission with an axe.
Anyhow, we really need to sell this lovely bassinet that I bought in a whimsical moment in early pregnancy when I thought being pregnant would be a holy, other worldly experience and had images of myself, glowing and slim, dressed in long white flowing dresses whilst I rocked my angelic baby in a white, wicker cradle. After getting fat, bloated, sweaty and flatulent; discovering babies only smelled nice depending on whether you sniffed them before or after a wee/ poo/ vomit/ washing between their fat rolls and finding that I was too busy feeding/ trying to get my baby to sleep to entertain fantasies of being a stunning Gaia Earth Mother I now need to sell so I can afford a haircut (easier then washing it at the moment).
If you're not convinced to buy it by now (but who wouldn't be?), I'll throw in another offer. If you pay $100 for it, I'll throw in a bottle of wine and drink it with* you.
*for you, I'll drink it for you
Love it!
Have you ever got carried away and made a ‘mad’ purchase pre-baby? We’d love to hear your experiences!
