Ectopic Anniversary
Filed under:
Grief & Loss
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I've been having a tough weekend, I haven't been this up and down for a while and I'm hoping that sharing my pain might help me feel a bit better.
This time last year I was heading home after surgery to remove an ectopic pregnancy.
An unplanned baby that I hadn't had long to bond with, but the second it hit me, the realisation that when they removed my fallopian tube my baby would be gone too... It was a grief I had never experienced before. My baby was still alive and still growing, that's what hurt the most. It was my third pregnancy, and although we'd read about ectopic pregnancies, it wasn't something we thought could happen to us.
After having my tube removed, I remember reading that couples can expect to conceive again in 2 years time, I expected it to be difficult and cried to my partner and family about how I thought I was never going to be a mum. It's the only thing I've ever wanted from life, to have my own family, and I was convinced it was never going to happen. Every month a negative pregnancy test, and every month it chipped away at me.
Until September 2016, when I'd given up hope, I told Daniel it was pointless doing a test, that I wasn't going to be pregnant, but I was. The fear that crept over me was like a dark shadow; every pain, every cramp, every tiny bleed caused me to panic - chances of a second ectopic are high, something like 1 in 10 if I remember right. As well as miscarriage through any other means - I didn't think I'd be able to cope with the pain of another loss.
I'm now 29 weeks with my little boy. (I'm not a fan of the term "rainbow baby" because he's an angel in his own right and not an afterthought of the losses before him. And I don't mean to insult anyone by saying that, it's just my personal opinion and preference of terms) And in all honesty, the fear doesn't go away. I have 4 scars on my stomach that are more noticeable as my stomach expands, especially the one that stretchesy belly button, and a reminder of how lucky I am to be where I am.
I'm also extremely lucky to have the best fiancé I could ask for. A man who spent every second in the hospital with me, helped me do the simple tasks that I found impossible post-op (like getting out of bed, showering, dressing etc.). He also acknowledges that this wasn't just my loss, in a previous relationship my miscarriage had been exactly that - mine, but Daniel went through this with me and in rare moments when we talk about it he always says "we lost a baby". It's the little things that mean so much.
It's not easy to speak about grief, and I honestly just feel relieved to get this off my chest.. often you feel like people are fed up with hearing the same story over and over, but it's my pain and this has been helpful to me.
I thank you for reading, I hope for anyone who has experienced an ectopic that I have given you hope for successful pregnancies in the future.
This time last year I was heading home after surgery to remove an ectopic pregnancy.
An unplanned baby that I hadn't had long to bond with, but the second it hit me, the realisation that when they removed my fallopian tube my baby would be gone too... It was a grief I had never experienced before. My baby was still alive and still growing, that's what hurt the most. It was my third pregnancy, and although we'd read about ectopic pregnancies, it wasn't something we thought could happen to us.
After having my tube removed, I remember reading that couples can expect to conceive again in 2 years time, I expected it to be difficult and cried to my partner and family about how I thought I was never going to be a mum. It's the only thing I've ever wanted from life, to have my own family, and I was convinced it was never going to happen. Every month a negative pregnancy test, and every month it chipped away at me.
Until September 2016, when I'd given up hope, I told Daniel it was pointless doing a test, that I wasn't going to be pregnant, but I was. The fear that crept over me was like a dark shadow; every pain, every cramp, every tiny bleed caused me to panic - chances of a second ectopic are high, something like 1 in 10 if I remember right. As well as miscarriage through any other means - I didn't think I'd be able to cope with the pain of another loss.
I'm now 29 weeks with my little boy. (I'm not a fan of the term "rainbow baby" because he's an angel in his own right and not an afterthought of the losses before him. And I don't mean to insult anyone by saying that, it's just my personal opinion and preference of terms) And in all honesty, the fear doesn't go away. I have 4 scars on my stomach that are more noticeable as my stomach expands, especially the one that stretchesy belly button, and a reminder of how lucky I am to be where I am.
I'm also extremely lucky to have the best fiancé I could ask for. A man who spent every second in the hospital with me, helped me do the simple tasks that I found impossible post-op (like getting out of bed, showering, dressing etc.). He also acknowledges that this wasn't just my loss, in a previous relationship my miscarriage had been exactly that - mine, but Daniel went through this with me and in rare moments when we talk about it he always says "we lost a baby". It's the little things that mean so much.
It's not easy to speak about grief, and I honestly just feel relieved to get this off my chest.. often you feel like people are fed up with hearing the same story over and over, but it's my pain and this has been helpful to me.
I thank you for reading, I hope for anyone who has experienced an ectopic that I have given you hope for successful pregnancies in the future.
