Journeying through Motherhood-need some help?
Last updated: 21/04/2013 16:52
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Journeying Through Motherhood
It is my conviction as a mother of two young girls that parenting is the most challenging and worthwhile job we will ever do.
Prior to becoming a mother, I was a committed and hard working social worker and psychotherapist who worked all the hours she could. Becoming a mother was huge for me in terms of adjusting to my new role and it brought up so many conflicts, especially around what I felt I ought to do and what I really wanted to be doing! I wanted to return to my paid job, but also wanted to be with my child.
I believe becoming a mother is a huge transition in our lives and that we need plenty of support to do our job well. This support I believe can be “external” in terms of someone who might help us out with childcare, or joining us for a cup of tea. The expression “ It takes a village to rear a child” often rings true for me, and as a new mother I had to learn to ask for help. However, as a psychotherapist I believe that many of us can benefit from time to time from more “internal “ support, support with how we are coping emotionally and psychologically with what arises for us as parents.
Psychotherapy or counselling can provide a space for us to really check in with ourselves about how we are and to get to know ourselves better. It can help us look at how we are in relationship with others and to look at patterns and ways of being in the world that may no longer be helpful to us. For example, we may be passionate about punctuality or tidiness or be high achievers, sometimes this is of value, but at times we may need to put this to one side and re-prioritise what is important.
Some of the issues that I often come across in myself and with clients are around balancing our own needs versus that of my children. Some parents I know either wanted or needed to return to work either part-time or full-time, but this can be infused with guilt and be a difficult choice. For others it can be a very liberating choice and one that works out well for both parents and children. I myself was able to choose what I wanted to do, and at the time, finances weren’t the number one priority. However, I was very torn between a desire to be around as much as possible for my baby yet wanting to return to work. I wanted to go back to earning my own money, to have something “important” to do in the day that I could get dressed up for. In the end I was able to do part-time work and choose to be with my child
But so often these choices can be very difficult and our emotions can be so strong as can those of close friends and family and it can be difficult to identify what we truly want and what is best in our own particular situation, what ever that might be like. If we do stay at home, whether by choice or not, it can be lonely to be at home with a young child, especially if you are unsure how to manage your baby and don’t feel confident about the task in hand. One new mother told me, that she went back to work quickly as she didn’t want her life and conversation to narrow to such a degree that all she might be able to talk about is when the bin man came that morning. Fears about our world getting “very small” can be common and at times is the case unless we get support in either keeping old networks open or developing new ones.
Other issues that may arise may be around the birth of our child. Parents can be disappointed or indeed traumatised by the experience of giving birth. Sometimes, the experience can bring up earlier traumas or conflicts that we have never fully resolved. Becoming a parent can also be difficult for fathers, some may have difficulty adjusting to their new role, and often there is very little support for them with their new identity. Issues can often arise in relationships either when a new baby comes into the family or a some later stage when some new challenge arises. Mothers do get nine months to physically experience in a real way that they are becoming a parent; this isn’t the same for fathers.
The “How to” of raising a child can be very difficult and again one which friends family and the professionals we come in contact with can have strong views. One friend of mine suggested I “follow my own intuitition”. However by that stage I had read so much and heard so many differing views that I had no idea what my intuition was telling me- it was gone! Her advice really stayed with me and made me realise the value of learning to find our own way with parenting and with motherhood. I feel that how we rear our children and the choices we make very much depend on our own individual circumstances, and of course no two are the same.
Monica Haughey is now a psychotherapist and counsellor in private practice and is a mother of two young girls. She is passionate about parenting and supporting parents to find the support they need, both within and without, to be the best they can and to enjoy the most challenging job they will ever have.
She will be running a group after Easter for women seeking out extra support. There will be 6-8 in the group and there will be a small charge. (More information available on request) . She also provides one to one counselling for those wishing more personal support or help dealing with issues that may have arisen for them.
If you are interested in a group or one to one session please get in touch. She can be contacted at 086 6061015 or email monicahaughey@ gmail.com
It is my conviction as a mother of two young girls that parenting is the most challenging and worthwhile job we will ever do.
Prior to becoming a mother, I was a committed and hard working social worker and psychotherapist who worked all the hours she could. Becoming a mother was huge for me in terms of adjusting to my new role and it brought up so many conflicts, especially around what I felt I ought to do and what I really wanted to be doing! I wanted to return to my paid job, but also wanted to be with my child.
I believe becoming a mother is a huge transition in our lives and that we need plenty of support to do our job well. This support I believe can be “external” in terms of someone who might help us out with childcare, or joining us for a cup of tea. The expression “ It takes a village to rear a child” often rings true for me, and as a new mother I had to learn to ask for help. However, as a psychotherapist I believe that many of us can benefit from time to time from more “internal “ support, support with how we are coping emotionally and psychologically with what arises for us as parents.
Psychotherapy or counselling can provide a space for us to really check in with ourselves about how we are and to get to know ourselves better. It can help us look at how we are in relationship with others and to look at patterns and ways of being in the world that may no longer be helpful to us. For example, we may be passionate about punctuality or tidiness or be high achievers, sometimes this is of value, but at times we may need to put this to one side and re-prioritise what is important.
Some of the issues that I often come across in myself and with clients are around balancing our own needs versus that of my children. Some parents I know either wanted or needed to return to work either part-time or full-time, but this can be infused with guilt and be a difficult choice. For others it can be a very liberating choice and one that works out well for both parents and children. I myself was able to choose what I wanted to do, and at the time, finances weren’t the number one priority. However, I was very torn between a desire to be around as much as possible for my baby yet wanting to return to work. I wanted to go back to earning my own money, to have something “important” to do in the day that I could get dressed up for. In the end I was able to do part-time work and choose to be with my child
But so often these choices can be very difficult and our emotions can be so strong as can those of close friends and family and it can be difficult to identify what we truly want and what is best in our own particular situation, what ever that might be like. If we do stay at home, whether by choice or not, it can be lonely to be at home with a young child, especially if you are unsure how to manage your baby and don’t feel confident about the task in hand. One new mother told me, that she went back to work quickly as she didn’t want her life and conversation to narrow to such a degree that all she might be able to talk about is when the bin man came that morning. Fears about our world getting “very small” can be common and at times is the case unless we get support in either keeping old networks open or developing new ones.
Other issues that may arise may be around the birth of our child. Parents can be disappointed or indeed traumatised by the experience of giving birth. Sometimes, the experience can bring up earlier traumas or conflicts that we have never fully resolved. Becoming a parent can also be difficult for fathers, some may have difficulty adjusting to their new role, and often there is very little support for them with their new identity. Issues can often arise in relationships either when a new baby comes into the family or a some later stage when some new challenge arises. Mothers do get nine months to physically experience in a real way that they are becoming a parent; this isn’t the same for fathers.
The “How to” of raising a child can be very difficult and again one which friends family and the professionals we come in contact with can have strong views. One friend of mine suggested I “follow my own intuitition”. However by that stage I had read so much and heard so many differing views that I had no idea what my intuition was telling me- it was gone! Her advice really stayed with me and made me realise the value of learning to find our own way with parenting and with motherhood. I feel that how we rear our children and the choices we make very much depend on our own individual circumstances, and of course no two are the same.
Monica Haughey is now a psychotherapist and counsellor in private practice and is a mother of two young girls. She is passionate about parenting and supporting parents to find the support they need, both within and without, to be the best they can and to enjoy the most challenging job they will ever have.
She will be running a group after Easter for women seeking out extra support. There will be 6-8 in the group and there will be a small charge. (More information available on request) . She also provides one to one counselling for those wishing more personal support or help dealing with issues that may have arisen for them.
If you are interested in a group or one to one session please get in touch. She can be contacted at 086 6061015 or email monicahaughey@ gmail.com
