A new mum has gone viral for her HILARIOUS list of the 20 things to know “when you’ve just pushed out a baby”.
Bekki Pope, who blogs at Mummy Mumbles, has become a beacon of honesty for mums everywhere who know exactly what’s she’s going through. From promises never to have sex again, to walking like John Wayne, to being a VIP (a Very In-Pain Person) it’s all here.
Being a new mum has never been so entertaining!
20 things to know when you've just pushed out a baby
1. The after pains. Pain. After. Who knew? When God designed women to give birth, he well and truly screwed us over....
2. Your first wee. Take a jug with you and pour it over your bits like you're trying to be a star in some very disturbing porno. It helps.
3. Your first poo. Do not panic. You are not having another baby. It just feels that way.
4. Your baby looks weird. Like... Really weird. 'Oh how cute/such a beautiful baby' etc. will be said at you and you'll accept other people's opinions, but to you it looks like a hairless slightly purple old grandad.
5. Their downstairs bits are ridiculous. You will worry about the impact they will have on their lives should they stay like that. Apparently this 'swelling' goes down soon.
6. Their first poo is not actually poo. It's tar. The midwives sneak in overnight, fill your baby's nappy with treacle and then test you to see if you know to get rid of it.
7. Your first shower will be like a scene from Carrie. It's normal. It may feel like you'll never be right again and that you'll walk like John Wayne forever.
8. Midwives like babies. They will come and pick yours up with no prior warning. They will squeeze their testicles, massage their tummies to make them crap, and fiddle with their face.
9. Your baby hates you. It's not crying. It's communicating with its master – the devil – about how successful their plan to destroy you is going.
10. You will say the word 'latch' more than you have ever said it in your life. And the idea of a tiny person casually sucking on your nipples suddenly becomes a reality.
11. There are people in hospital that can smell your vulnerability. They will take photos of your baby looking cute and then try and charge you a million pounds for it.
12. The hospital food is as bad as it is so that people decide they would rather be in pain and at home than eating 'peaches and custard'.
13. It farts. It burps. It hiccups. It makes weird noises in its sleep that make you think you're going to wake up and see Chucky in the cot – head spinning and laughing.
14. Everyone you've ever met will want to come to the hospital to see you. People get overexcited about visiting hospitals. They feel VIP when they walk in to a ward. You are a VIP- a very in-pain person.
15. Your tummy is now resembling a balloon that's slowly deflating and feeling very sorry for itself. If you press it, you instantly conclude that it would make a fantastic trampoline for Stuart Little.
16. They want you on contraception straight away. Countless midwives will come and talk to you about how fertile you are and how likely you are to become pregnant again. They do however forget one crucial thing- you're never having sex again.
17. Everything's angry. Your brain is angry, your eyes are angry, your tummy, your bladder, your bum. Your vagina isn't angry. It's f@&king livid.
18. About three days in, your boobs start to leak like they have forgotten they are breasts and now believe they are garden sprinklers.
19. They want you to go home ASAP. You are taking up valuable bed space and now you have delivered your stinky human bundle and they've checked it over to make sure it isn't a live Picasso painting, you're free to leave.
20. Stop worrying. You're not superwoman. There is no such thing as normal, and there is no such thing as perfect. You are your baby's normal. You are your baby's perfect. They aren't judging you.
You just grew and pushed out a mini Mitchell brother. There's nothing you can't do. Except sleep.
You can't do that anymore.
LOL! That last line! Absolutely brilliant – wiping the tears of laughter from our eyes here!
You can read the full version of Bekki’s ‘20 things to know when you've just pushed out a baby’, as well as her other adventures as a mum, on her blog here.
