'Soccer Mum 101': mum nails the rules for pitch-side parents

 

Glennon Doyle knows a thing or two about soccer matches. Married to an Olympic soccer player, she's had her fair share of pitch-side days. 

 

So when she decided to pen a quick and cheeky guide to parental sports etiquette, we're listening. 

 

The motivational speaker and author took to Instagram to share her step-by-step football manual. 

 

 

Soccer Mom 101: 1. When your kid’s game begins: sit down. Get cozy. Look down and check your shirt carefully. 2. If your shirt says one of the following words: “Coach” Or “Referee” - feel free - throughout the game- to yell coachy or referee-ish things. If you do not see these words on your shirt: hush, mostly. 3. This will be surprisingly difficult. Especially if one of you is an Olympic Soccer Player and the other one of you is a Bat Shit Crazy Mama Bear Who Truly Believes that Every Ten Year Old Opponent Who Touches Her Daughter’s Jersey Intends To Kill Her Daughter Dead. 4. SO. Since you cannot be trusted: Bring lollipops. Put the pops in your loud obnoxious mouths as soon as you sit down on the sideline. Let the pops serve as a reminder to you that children are dropping out of sports in record numbers - largely because their parents are behaving like asshats on the sidelines in record numbers. Because Things, in general, are less fun to do when bigger people scream at you the entire time you do them. 5. So Let the kids play. Let the coaches coach. Let the refs ref. You parent- which means yell nothing but yay and good hustle and you got this and good idea and maybe the occasional offside! These seem to be soccer evergreen safe things to yell. 5. Bring lollipops for all the other soccer parents. They’ll think you’re sweet but you’re really just quite tricky and wise and forever on the kids’ side. 6. OFFSIDE!!!!!!! #soccermoms

A post shared by Glennon Doyle (@glennondoyle) on Mar 17, 2018 at 1:39pm PDT

 

 The first step is to get comfy- you're in for a long afternoon. 

 

The second is to "check your shirt carefully": 

 

"If your shirt says one of the following words: 'Coach' Or 'Referee' - feel free - throughout the game- to yell coachy or referee-ish things. If you do not see these words on your shirt: hush, mostly." 

 

It's not as easy as it looks: 

 

"This will be surprisingly difficult. Especially if one of you is an Olympic Soccer Player and the other one of you is a Bat Shit Crazy Mama Bear Who Truly Believes that Every Ten Year Old Opponent Who Touches Her Daughter’s Jersey Intends To Kill Her Daughter Dead." 

 

 

A post shared by Glennon Doyle (@glennondoyle) on Mar 13, 2018 at 5:09pm PDT

 

You don't trust yourself? Doyle's got that covered too. 

 

"Put the pops in your loud obnoxious mouths as soon as you sit down on the sideline.

 

"Let the pops serve as a reminder to you that children are dropping out of sports in record numbers - largely because their parents are behaving like a**hats on the sidelines in record numbers.

 

"Because things, in general, are less fun to do when bigger people scream at you the entire time you do them." 

 

 

Co-captains. Thanks, first mate: @chases.photos

A post shared by Glennon Doyle (@glennondoyle) on Mar 13, 2018 at 12:14pm PDT

 

Completely agreed, it's a friendly game for kids, not an international championship, and sometimes parents need a reminder of that. 

 

"So, let the kids play. Let the coaches coach. Let the refs ref. You parent- which means yell nothing but 'yay' and 'good hustle' and 'you got this' and 'good idea' and maybe the occasional 'offside!' These seem to be soccer evergreen safe things to yell."  

 

Getting the other parents onboard is requires just a hint of sweetness:

 

"Bring lollipops for all the other soccer parents. They’ll think you’re sweet but you’re really just quite tricky and wise and forever on the kids’ side." 

 

What do you think mums? Should all sports parents abide by these rules?