While this is a common sleep concern, it can be very challenging for both parents. It’s difficult on the parent that nap/bedtime falls consistently on, while also difficult for the parent who is struggling to do nap/bedtime as this can be a special bonding time. Here are my top tips to help you overcome this.
For babies and toddlers under 2.5 / 3 years, here are my top tips:
-
Working towards your little one falling asleep with less support
In my experience, many families that experience this sleep challenge may also need to support their little one by staying in their bedroom when their child falls asleep at nap and bedtime or providing some type of other support for their little one to fall asleep (perhaps rocking, feeding, etc). When children require less support to fall asleep, they tend to go asleep at nap or bedtime for either parent, or an alternative caregiver with more ease. There are many ways to achieve this, and this is my speciality at helping families achieve in a responsive way. If you are breast feeding baby and they are feeding to sleep, it can be helpful to follow a sleep, feed and play cycle moving the feed further away from sleep time, or feeding in a brighter toom to avoid baby falling asleep while feeding. Feeding to sleep can be more common when children are overtired so working on a suitable sleep schedule for your little one will also help.
-
Adapt nap and bedtime routine and be consistent
If your child can self-settle to sleep without additional support, it may be the case that they have become used to one parent doing nap/bedtime for various reasons. It can also be common that both parents have a slightly different approach at bedtime and a child may have a preference for one of those approaches more than the other. Regardless of the reason, what will help here is both parents and all caregivers following a very consistent routine at nap and bedtime.
For nap and bedtime, I recommend a short and sweet routine for babies and toddlers under 2.5 years of age. For example, placing them into their sleeping bag and turning on white noise if you are using it, a feed if required at this stage, 1 – 2 songs/ stories, lots of cuddles and placing your little one into their cot. Having a consistent routine will help your little one know that sleep time is approaching (children do well with knowing what to expect), and regardless of who is doing nap/bedtime, your child will know what to expect which can help children feel secure. It is very important that both parents follow the same routine and be very consistent with it. Once you have adapted your routine to a routine both parents are comfortable with, I recommend the parent who has frequently been doing nap/bedtime starts this routine and continues with it for 3 days/nights, after this point I recommend the second parent takes over the routine and follows it consistently. If your find your little one is resisting nap/bedtime I recommend reassuring them with lots of cuddles before they are placed in their cot awake. After this point, I recommend staying/leaving the room depending on what the other parent had been doing (and you are both comfortable with). If you are staying in the room, you can support your little one through in terms of speaking to them, patting them as they lie in their cot, etc, if they are upset or if your little one is used to falling asleep in their cot alone then I recommend proceeding to leave the room and doing “reassurance checks” as needed if they are upset.
For toddlers and children over 2.5 / 3 years I recommend a different approach than to those toddlers and babies.
-
Communication is key -
Children generally start to use the left side of the brain (logical side) of the brain at the age of 3 upwards and communication is more important than ever – thinking of a fair yet firm approach. From this age, I recommend speaking to your child about the changes that are about to happen at nap and bedtime. The timing of this “chat” is important. Avoid a time when they may be overtired/over stimulated. The “chat” can be kept casual, maybe even in the car on the way home from a friend/family members house. I recommend keeping the script short, here is an example of what you could say “Mum/Dad has jobs that they need to do at bedtime tonight so Mum/Dad (the other parent) will need to do your bedtime tonight. They are so excited to read you your favourite story and spend time with you before you go to sleep. Tomorrow, I will be excited to be back to do your bedtime and then it will be Mum/Dads turn again to do your bedtime”. Keep communication clear and firm, however, remember your goal. Taking turns every second night can be a nice way of easing the change in caregiver doing bedtime or indeed nap time.
-
Consistent routine-
Again, for 2.5 years and above, have a consistent bedtime routine that you can both follow. Within this age group, when we delve deeper, we might find that one parent will read an extra story/give an extra snack at bedtime etc. Decide between both parents what you are happy to offer, then stick to it both consistently which will reduce any confusion and in turn upset. Remember, children thrive with knowing what to expect. Saying what we mean and following it through can really help with older children, at sleep time but also always throughout the day.
I hope you have found these tips useful. If you require any further assistance, I offer 1 hour Guidance & Advice Consultations for a rate of €125 including VAT, and for repeat clients a discount is applied. I also offer my Full Support Package at a rate of €369 including VAT which includes a consultation, a written sleep plan and 2 weeks of unlimited virtual support while you implement the plan and achieve your sleep goals.
If you have any questions, please do feel free to contact me.
Best of luck!
Colette
Colette McCann
Certified Child Sleep Consultant, Parent Coach, and owner of Phoenix Dreams
Colette who is a busy mum of 2, specialises in working with children from the newborn stage through to 10 years of age. She is one of the only experts in both Child Sleep and Behaviour in Ireland, having built up a strong reputation in Ireland and abroad with new and repeat clients.
