You wouldn't think it would you? With their chubby cheeks, big soulful eyes, and smiles that can melt the coldest of all hearts. And if the smile doesn't do it, the bear hug will. But toddlers are petty criminals. Mastermind law breakers. Evil geniuses in the making.
At some point your toddler would have committed one, or several, maybe even all of these crimes. I'd give up a date with Gerard Butler, I am so convinced on this one.
The Offences:
Theft
Your house looks like it's been burgled daily when they have ransacked the toy box. But there is no denying the fact that toddler are thieves. Sleep thieves. Food thieves. Space-for-any-of-my-stuff thieves.
Basically anything you may have, or another child has, they want, and they take without any regard for consequences. Normally accompanied by a squeal of "MIIIIIINNNNNNE"
Some toddlers have been known to up their petty theft game. Get a group of mums together and at least one of them will tell you of the shame and embarrassment caused by their thieving toddler. That time they got home from the shops and realised their little angel had a buggy full of swag from the shelves... that wasn't paid for.
Dangerous Driving
Many a Cosy Coupe has been the cause of a toddlers road rage, and many the back of an ankle has been the victim of dangerous driving. Plus none of them have a licence.
Grievous Bodily Harm
Toddlers are petty criminals because they think nothing of causing Grievous Bodily Harm. Whether it's whacking another child when they won't let them steal their toy, or using you as a human climbing frame and doing that thing where they stand on every single vertebrate.
And those sweet little cherubs aren't opposed to using a weapon. You might think that an empty roll of wrapping paper doesn't hurt when you are being beaten with it repeatedly, whilst your sadistic toddler cackles gleefully. You would be wrong. It does.
Fraud
You'd think the world was ending with the tears over the tiniest bump to the head. Big heaving snotty sobs. Until Grandma gives them a cookie and then it's like nothing happened. If it's not fraud I reckon we could have them for some kind of emotional blackmail.
Disturbing The Peace
I'm pretty sure if an adult threw an epic tantrum in public, the police would be called, but toddlers can lie on the floor and kick and scream at the top of their lungs, and everyone looks at the parents like it's their fault.
And I'm pretty sure a 9.5 on the Richter-scale tantrum performed in a library is the ultimate in disturbing the peace. True story, which I plan on getting revenge for when he is a teenager.
Public Exposure
Can you imagine the outcry if a grown man decided to strip at the beach or the park. A toddler will strip anytime, anywhere, for no reason other than they decide they don't need clothes. Doesn't matter that we are out in public and it's snowing.
And I'm pretty sure urinating in public is an offence under the Public Order Act. Toddlers get away with this crime daily. Some toddlers even think it is okay to defecate in a public place. (I'm really sorry, Mum).
Criminal Damage
Drawing on walls is called graffiti. It's classed as criminal damage and carried a prison sentence of up to 10 years or fined if the damage is significant.
I'm pretty sure spilling juice on a brand new cream carpet is also a criminal offence. Especially when it's in someone else's house. Another true story. Thankfully not my kid.
Impersonating a Police Officer
Breaking the Official Secrets Act
Whist toddlers are petty criminals and busy going about their life of crime, don't think for a minute that they will have your back for any misdemeanours you may accidentally commit. They will rat you out to anyone who will listen faster than Trump renounces a tweet.
"Mummy cross with Daddy"
"Daddy drive really fast"
"Mummy said f**k"
Perjury
"Did you eat that Easter egg."
"NO"
We all think that toddlers get away with these petty crimes because they are cute. But NO! The truth is they get away with it because there is little point locking them up. We've tried. But whatever bars we put them behind, or restraints we use, they always escape. The cot, the stair gate, the buggy, the high chair. None of them are a match for the evil genius of a toddler.
