Ella's first big accomplishment signalled my first big heartbreak

Mum-of-one and all round amazing human being, Katie Piper, recently congratulated her daughter on taking her first tentative steps.

It reminded me of my daughter Ella’s big achievement in that regard and I’m embarrassed to say I didn’t quite share Katie’s enthusiasm.

Don’t get me wrong. Yes, I was overjoyed by my daughter’s progress and I was proud beyond belief that Ella had managed to make her way from the fireplace to the playpen without assistance, but I was, in all honesty, also terrified by the development.

‘If she’s now literally standing on her own two feet, then there’ll be no time before she’s figuratively standing on them too’, I thought.

I’ll be superfluous. I’ll be unwanted. I’ll be unneeded.

This is where it starts. First, she’s toddling, then she’s walking and before we know it, she’ll be running. .. away from me.

Horrified by my selfish and needy train of thought in light of my daughter’s amazing milestone, I confided in my partner who assured me that I was simply shocked by how quickly our child was growing up.

It didn’t mean I wanted Ella to stay an infant forever, he told me.

How wrong he was. I wanted Ella to stay a baby for the rest of her life.

I wanted her to smell like baby powder, milk and another indeterminable scent that only babies possess. I wanted that and I wanted it forever.

With every accomplishment and milestone in Ella’s life, I feel a surge of pride and a pang of sadness. I don’t know if this will ever change, but I can’t help it.

I struggled with it for a long time until a friend who had a child three years after I had Ella confided that the first time her son held his bottle on his own, her heart broke a little.

We’re a complicated bunch, us mums, but at least we know we’re not on our own.