It's tempting to jump in and sort things out for your kids when they start fighting with each other. But it's not actually the best thing for them.
Instead of trying to end the scraps, focus on stopping the rivalry instead. It's the rivalry that can cause lifelong damage between brothers and sisters.
Fighting, on the other hand, can actually be good for your children.
Fighting teaches kids about give and take, even if they don't want to. It also gives them a lesson in how to love a person, regardless of whether they like what that person did or didn't do.
But as well as learning tolerance, patience and kindness, sibling spats teach kids the art of conflict resolution.
So next time your kids start fighting, don't automatically try figuring out how to stop them. Focus on the rivalry, instead.
Here are some tips on making the switch:
Don't be judge and jury
If every time your kids argue, you jump in and decide who's right, who's wrong and what should be done about it, they'll never learn to resolve their own disputes - and resolution skills are important in later life.
Another reason to ditch this approach is that it breeds resentment.
Why? Well, it's almost inevitable that one child will remain angry, while the other will feel like the winner - or worse, the favourite. Let them work together and sort it out for themselves.
Instead, be a facilitator
While taking a back-seat is best, you don't have to be a spectator entirely. To get your kids on the same team, you need to help facilitate and guide them toward resolution of their own fights.
How? Teach them to talk; get them to express the feelings that motivated the fight in the first place.
Put the same questions to both children - for example, Megan why are you angry? And Sam, what about you? - until the issue is resolved.
Don't compare your kids
If you compare your kids to each other, they'll feel unappreciated. It never makes them rise up to work harder, it just makes them resent their sibling.
In fact, many kids fight more with their siblings when they feel compared to him or her. Other kids swallow those feelings and seethe with resentment. Either way, it's not good for them or their relationship.
Explain that we don't hurt those we love
It's an obvious one, but sometimes kids need a reminder, especially when they're angry.
Speaking of anger, if you catch your child physically fighting with their brother or sister, don't try to address the anger there and then.
If you demand the child stop being angry, you'll end up in a power struggle.
Instead, try to understand why they're angry, and empathise if you can. Feeling understood can calm them down immensely.
Focus on each sibling's unique talents
Each child deserves to be seen as someone special, with unique talents and skills. Help your kids create high self-esteem by using "specific praise", not global praise.
By that, we mean that you should give details when you praise the child. Don't just say 'you didn't win but you did a good job' because they might not be processing what exactly they did well.
Remind them of what they did, for instance: "You got two goals, which is one more than last week. Well done!"
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