Babies are no one's business but your own

Maia Dunphy, TV presenter and the wife of comedian Johnny Vegas, recently voiced her frustration at the probing questions women are asked when they tie the knot, reach a certain age or appear to be in a settled, long-term relationship.

“So when are you two going to have kids?”

Even typing those words makes me cringe.

It gives me flashbacks to a time when I felt I spent every social occasion deflecting those types of questions.

If it wasn’t an interested friend or concerned family member, it was a nosy colleague who thought my fertility and family plans were a suitable topic of conversation while we awkwardly waited for the kettle to boil.

Spreadsheets, the weather, taxes; any of these dreary subjects rank higher in the list of potential canteen conversation starters.

When I got engaged, I initially felt elation, but I knew these types of questions would only intensify so what did I do? I hid my engagement for a long time. Ridiculous as it seems, but it’s what I did.

And then I got married.

And suddenly I ceased to be a person. Instead I became nothing more than a potential baby-making machine.

I was on round-the-clock surveillance.  A hangover was morning sickness, apparently. My distaste for soft cheeses was a dead giveaway. And my appreciation of certain food was no longer me just pigging out, but instead satisfying my ‘cravings’.

I have never felt such pressure.

As I am not the first woman to talk about this, I’m at a loss to understand how the message hasn’t filtered down. This is not a suitable topic of conversation. If the woman brings it up first, then yes, go to town! Chat away! Plan the nursery!

But if you find yourself struggling to make conversation and think a woman’s fertility or sex-life is your only option, then I suggest you keep your mouth shut and quietly exit stage left.

When I gave birth to my daughter, I foolishly thought that would be it.

I delivered a child. I did what they asked of me.

Oh, how wrong was i?

“When are you going to give Ella a brother or sister to play with?”

I’m actually done, if you must know.