Sex vs. motherhood: I thought I had to choose

Remember in the weeks and months after you gave birth, all you wanted to do was make mad passionate love 24/7? Anytime, anywhere, you were up for it.

Remember that?

Yeah, me neither.

So when new mum Kelly Clarkson hit the headlines in recent days for saying that she never wanted to be one of those women who had to schedule sex with her other half, I thought: “Well, good for you, but some of us considered it a success when we even considered it, let alone scheduled it.”

I’ll be honest here, for the best part of a year after Ella’s arrival, sex was the last thing on my mind.

It wasn’t just that I was exhausted, busy and incapable of anything but snoring between the sheets, it was the fact I was scared of sex.

Yes, I said it. I was scared.

I loved Ella more than I ever thought possible, but I was a wreck caring for just one child, what would I be like if there was another surprise arrival?

My partner would find me wearing a tinfoil hat, pushing a shopping trolley around our estate and grinning manically while our two babies jostled for space within the wheeled metal cage.

Believe me, that is not an exaggeration- you didn’t know me back then.

So I thought the best course of action was to abstain completely. And look, I’ll be frank here, I honestly thought I didn’t have any more love or affection to give.

I was spent. I was all loved-out. I was, in essence, an empty husk every night when I rolled into bed for the first few months after Ella’s arrival.

Any inclination  I had that my partner may be interested in initiating ‘relations’ as I took to calling sex during this bleak time was dealt with efficiently. I batted him off, turned my back and sometimes I mumbled: ’Just leave me be’.

I loved him dearly for giving me my daughter, but I resented him for how little an impact her arrival seemed to have had on his life.

‘Seemed’  being the operative word here.

“Look at him, I’d think hysterically. “Breezing in and out, being the perfect dad and having Ella love him unconditionally. And look at me! Febreezing myself in and out, being the worst mum and having Ella scream in my face all day.”

How wrong I was.

Her arrival had had a profound effect on his life, but his reaction to our child wasn’t reserved to just unbridled joy or total awe.

He also felt isolated, guilty and confused, issues which I was completely unaware of, but made no effort to learn about.

He felt isolated because he couldn’t seem to establish the same bond with Ella that I could
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He felt guilty because he could see the negative impact Ella had had on mine and his relationship
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And he felt confused as to why he was solely to blame for my reaction to our new family dynamic.

It took 11 months for us to openly communicate about how we were felt during this time.

At pains to stress how we much we loved Ella, we finally admitted that from time to time it was completely acceptable  to put her aside and return to the couple we were before her arrival. Yes, I was still apprehensive about certain things and yes, he was still struggling with some issues, but my God, we couldn’t go on the way we had been.

It wasn’t always easy,  but it was important. We hobbled along, we stumbled, we picked ourselves back up and finally we got back into the swing of being ‘just us’.

So, it turns out sex can be a great stress-reliever after a day with a wailing baby.

Talk about not doing your homework.