Why I let my teen daughter away with behaviour a lot of mothers wouldn't

As a teen and young woman, my relationship with my mother was incredibly complex.

We were unbelievably close which, while reassuring in many ways, also meant we often rubbed each other up the wrong way.

I marvelled at the fact some of my friends never argued with their mothers – something they put down to the fact they simply weren't close enough to have blazing rows.

For a long time, I didn't know what was better.

Was it worth enduring tension and bickering if it meant I could ring this woman at 3am in the morning crying that I couldn't find my glasses that day and needed someone to rub my back?

 

Or would a more reserved relationship -  where I told her next to nothing about my life be preferable - if it meant we never had a cross word?

 

And what about the bizarre emotional rollercoaster I went on when I found myself irritated by absolutely everything she did when we were together, but missed her desperately when we were apart?

 

It was like leaving her company put her into focus, and I could see her for the incredibly giving, strong and thoughtful woman she was.

But when we were together, all I could focus on was the irritating way she could never choose anything on the menu, the way she acted clueless in coffee-shops and the way she took ten minutes to tell a story before eventually forgetting the point of it.

I loved her with all my heart, but she irritated me.

Then I'd leave her and berate myself for how impatient I was with the woman who bends over backwards to ensure my happiness.

Then I had my own daughter.

And I could see it happening all over again.

She tells me everything, but can barely keep her patience when I stumble over a word or forget her friend's name.

We share stories, insights and thoughts, but both often take offence when none was meant.

I know my teenage daughter goes through the same emotional turmoil when it comes to our relationship as I did when it comes to mine and my mum's.

She'll send me an “I love you” text out of the blue when out with her mates, and I'll know she got a pang of guilt over the way she bit my head off that morning.

She'll spend all afternoon telling her friends how much I wound her up that morning, and then that night she'll confess and apologise to me even though I'd have been none the wiser.

When it comes to the relationship I share with the woman I'm blessed to call Mam, I'm trying desperately to be more patient, but don't always succeed.

So, that's why I cut my own daughter a little slack where some mums mightn't – the mother/daughter relationship is complex and unless you're very, very fortunate, it's never going to be plain-sailing.