Some kids love the limelight. They're the kind of children who are first to the party, love being the centre of attention and never stop talking.
Then there are the shy ones.
They're the ones who hang out of mum, who don't speak up in class, who don't want to go to the party. They're highly sensitive and therefore strongly affected by their environment.
While there's nothing wrong with being shy (shy kids are often much kinder than others, because they're so sensitive), there is something wrong if your child's shyness stops them from living their lives.
So how do you help a shy child to come out of their shell a bit? Read on...
Knowledge is power
Before you try to help a child overcome their shyness, first make sure they really are shy. Sometimes parents think their little one is shy when in fact they're just introverted.
What's the difference? Introverts find too much socialising drains them and actually enjoy playing alone; shy kids might want to socialise more, but don't because they fear rejection. Of course, kids can be both shy and introverted. Either way, knowledge is power.
Keep the labels at bay
If you want to help your shy child, don't call them shy. Children value what their parents say and think, so if you tell your neighbours that your child is shy, and they're right there listening to you, they'll come to think of themselves as shy.
Not only will that reinforce their image of themselves as shy, it will make their anxiety in social situations worse.
Don't force
While labelling a child is never a good thing, forcing them to do things they don't want to do is by far the worst.
If your child starts to cry before a party, don't make them go along. Instead, suggest having a look at what the party is all about; maybe go along to the party and sit with them for a while. You'd be surprised how shy kids relax once they're over the 'first bit.'
If they still don't want to stay, let them go home with you, and try again next time. It's all about baby steps.
Be understanding
It can be frustrating to see your child refusing to engage with others when their classmates are running around with each other without a care in the world.
However, it's important not to show your frustration - and don't even think about getting angry at your child over it.
The last thing a shy child needs is to feel their own mum thinks they're useless. So if they don't want to go to the party, sit them down and ask them why they feel nervous, what they worry might happen. Talking out their fears will help them to stop magnifying them.
They need mum's support, not criticism. After all, criticism and rejection is what they're afraid of in the first place.
Socialise yourself
It's been proven that shy parents often have shy children. However, that's not a reason to give up if you're a bit reticent yourself.
Studies have shown that children of shy parents can learn to overcome their 'shy genes', if their parents have a social circle that they display to the child.
So next time you decide to meet a friend, bring your child along or have your friend over to your place. And if you're in any way anxious, do your best not to show it. Kids model their behaviour on us.
If you're quite the extrovert yourself and wish your child was too, don't show your disappointment. You can't pick the child you get, so do what good mums should do: accept your little one as they are, and encourage them to be proud of themselves.
Praise them
All kids love to be told how great they are, and what's more, they need to be told this to develop self-esteem. But shy kids need it that bit more.
Next time your child handles a social situation well, whether it's playing with their friend or just being friendly towards the shopkeeper, tell them how great they were.
Another thing: if, like most shy kids, yours is very sweet and sensitive to others feelings, tell them. Say 'you're so kind, I love how you always think of other people's feelings like that.' They might not be aware of their good qualities.
Sign them up to a class
It might be the last thing they want to do, but it's a good idea to get them involved in after-school activities, clubs or classes.
But be careful: if your child senses that you're doing this to try and 'cure' them, it may well have the opposite effect to what you want.
This is because it will make them feel there's something 'wrong' with them.
With that in mind, maybe Speech & Drama shouldn't be your first port of call. It's too obvious. Why not try music classes, Scouts or art?
Teach them basic social skills
Kids often need to be taught to make eye contact, shake hands, smile, and respond to polite chit-chat appropriately.
Playing make-believe is a good way to reinforce these teachings. For instance, you can play shop whereby one of you is the cashier, and the other the customer. Then swap roles.
Practise makes perfect!
Let them do things for themselves
A child won't become confident if everything is done for them. They'll feel incompetent, especially if they see other kids capable of doing the things they can't.
Of course, you need to keep the chores age-appropriate. For instance, five-six-year-old can make their bed in the morning, choose their own outfit for the day, and write thank-you notes without supervision.
Meanwhile, a nine-year-old is well able to wash the dishes.
Encourage friendships
Shy kids can find it harder to make friends than others, but they usually have one or two good pals.
Do what you can to encourage them to play together. Invite them over for a play-date, or suggest they come with you on a family day out.
The more your child socialises, the better they'll get at it, and the more confident they'll feel doing it.
