Mum-of-four and blogger Maddice Wallis has had enough of Fortnite- and parents everywhere are saying same!
In case you're lucky enough to be unfamiliar with the game, the game is sweeping the teen and pre-teen world with many parents worrying about it's addictive quality.
For any parent that's concerned about your kid's Fortnite obsession, fear not, you're not alone!
Wallice doesn't mince words either.
"FU FORTNITE, YOU MASSIVE PRICK," she hilariously starts off.
"Several weeks ago I put a boundary in place around the playing of the game ‘Fortnite’ in our house. This is because it has been proven (entirely by me, and with no rigorous scientific testing whatsoever) to cause excessive levels of anger, shouting, whining, arguing, swearing, an inability to decipher basic instructions like dinner’s ready or it’s bed time and the incapacitation of players for several hours."
She laments the time when childhood meant climbing trees and playing outside.
"What is wrong with climbing trees? When did that stop being a thing? If I didn't have the beginnings of osteoporosis (cheers cancer) I’d be up all the fricking trees.
"And what about riding bikes? Or even better, doing stunts while riding bikes into oncoming traffic (sorry dad).
"Why isn’t anyone out in the woods building dens anymore and fighting each other with sticks? When did that stop?
"Why is it that all they want to do, all day every day, is play Fortnite?"
Prior to setting some Fortnite ground rules the game was even causing her two boys to sacrifice sleep, getting up atr 6am on school days to play it.
"They regularly woke me and their three year old sister up when it was still dark by shouting instructions to each other FROM DIFFERENT FLOORS OF THE HOUSE. They came in from school and played Fortnite."
Switching the game off caused a huge ruckus.
"They reluctantly stopped to eat dinner, but only when I went all the way up to their room and pressed that big white X to turn to console off, and you better believe that any glorious satisfaction I took in doing that was far outweighed by the screaming and crying that followed about how I’d ruined their lives. Actual true story. It had several sequels too."
While her brother who is a gaming enthusiast pointed out that shouting at the game "releases their pent up frustrations", Wallis disagrees.
"Well, no. They shouldn't be getting that angry about a game in the first place. Having such high levels of adrenaline and cortisol coursing through your veins on a permanent basis is not healthy. Those chemicals are the body’s way of dealing with extreme danger: the fight or flight response. And boys of ten and twelve are far more likely to fight each other than they are to start flying around their room."
Setting boundaries around the video game of course came with the expected backlash.
"They took it well. Or so I thought. But then came the Campaign To Change Mum’s Mind. And like all good wars of attrition, their attempts to wear me down have been consistent and sustained, and accompanied by language propaganda referring to the boundary as a ‘ban’.
"First there was the appeal to my better nature. They tried reasoning, explained calmly why they thought it was unfair and buttered me up with some platitudes about good behaviour. I stood my ground.
"Then came the shouting, which was apparently an attempt to demonstrate that shouting can happen outside of the playing of Fortnite, so therefore it doesn’t matter if they’re playing it or not. I stood my ground.
"Then came cause and effect. They only did this thing or that thing because they were bored and if they were allowed to play Fortnite it wouldn’t have happened. I stood my ground.
"Then came pitiful pleas, with Fortnite being compared to nicotine and heroin addiction. (Again, true story.) I stood my ground."
She sympathises with any other parent that's struggling with a Fortnite addiction.
"If you’re a parent and have lost your kids to this game, you have my utmost sympathy. And I suspect that you – like me – were gleefully overjoyed when the whole game crashed for an entire blissful day in the Easter holidays. The initial despair and whining, to which I responded with appropriate maternal affection even though I wanted to do a victory dance and crack open champagne, was soon replaced with activities. Playing of real games. Drawing. Helping me. Walking the dog. General day to day stuff that gets lost in the obsession to sit in front of the X Box with a head set on and shout 'GET IN THE BUSH'. I’ve tried really hard to find something positive about it, but I just can’t. Fortnite sucks."
What do you think mums? Have you got a Fortnite-obsessed tween or teen at home?