James Breakwell, also known on Twitter as XplodingUnicorn, is the funniest dad around.
He went viral this year with his hilarious tweets describing living with four daughters under the age of seven. The four little ones have without a doubt inherited their fathers comic genius:
I told my kids to circle what they wanted for Christmas in the newspaper ads.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) 23 November 2017
It was a failed experiment.
I'm not giving my 3-year-old a table saw.
7-year-old: Why are tears salty?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) 20 November 2017
Me: Why are you tasting your tears?
7: They're not mine.
3-year-old: *takes off all her clothes to pee*
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) 3 March 2016
Me: Why do you do that at home? You don't do it at preschool.
3-year-old: Yes I do
Oh God.
You would not want to be sensitive around this bunch!
[pulling a pizza out of the oven]
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) 20 November 2017
Me: Mmm. I could eat my weight in pizza.
5-year-old: There's not that much pizza in the world.
Me: We've taken 1,000 pics. We're never going to get all 4 kids smiling at once.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) 27 March 2016
Wife: Fine. Just pick the best one pic.twitter.com/E7jDR5uGIm
Me: You have lots of crayons.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) 16 November 2017
3-year-old: Lots and lots.
Me: What should you do if someone asks you for one?
3: Bite them.
Sometimes children can come out with things that are just the tiniest bit creepy:
3-year-old: *offers me a teddy bear*
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) 16 November 2017
Me: That's okay. I don't need him.
3: He eats the shadow people.
Me: *takes the teddy bear*
7-year-old: I tucked my sister into bed.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) 12 November 2017
Me: Because she was tired or because you knocked her out?
7:
No DNA test needed.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) 13 December 2015
I'm sure she's mine. pic.twitter.com/C1FntjdRUE
Sass level one million.
Me: What color do you want your room?
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) 29 February 2016
5-year-old daughter: Gold with sparkles.
Me: How about yellow?
5: Mom's right. You never listen.
5-year-old: *puts on Ninja Turtle pants & an Elsa shirt*
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) 16 February 2016
Me: Are you sure you want to wear that to school?
5: You'll never understand cool
3-year-old daughter: A boy at daycare said he likes me.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) 15 April 2016
Me: Do you like him back?
3: He colors outside the lines. He needs to grow up.
Want some of of the comedy ? Breakwell has also written a parenting book with a difference called Only Dead on the Inside: A Parent’s Guide for Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse. A mash-up of a parenting guide and a zombie apocalypse survival kits, it's sure to have you in stitches.
