Being pregnant for the first time is an amazing experience, but it definitely comes with its worries. Well, we are carrying a human being inside our bellies – previously the largest thing to set up residence in there was a burger, or a burrito – of COURSE we’re going to worry!
1. Cast annoyed glances at people smoking and make a big show of fake coughing just so they know you do NOT approve. Don’t they know smoking is bad for pregnant women?
2. Look at unpasteurised cheese like it’s a stick of dynamite. “Is that a soft blue cheese? GET IT AWAY FROM ME AND MY UNBORN CHILD!”
3. Nip guiltily into the alcohol section of the supermarket just to say a wistful ‘hello’ to all the wine.
4. Go straight to Amazon to buy every single pregnancy book ever published.
5. Swish our extra thick and glossy ‘pregnancy hair’ like we’re in a L’Oréal ad.
6. Go extra gooey every time we see a baby, much to the alarm of the babies’ mums. “No, no, I’m not a freak,” we say as they inch slowly away from us, “I’m just pregnant!”
7. Suddenly see our house as a terrifying assault course of potential hazards. Which is why we start baby-proofing every single piece of furniture with layers and layers of bubble wrap and throwing out anything with a sharp edge.
8. Sign up for every single pregnancy yoga / Pilates / yogalates classes possible. Well we heard it makes labour (ARGH LABOUR!) less painful so why wouldn’t we?
9. Start using our pregnancy as an excuse for not doing things. That party we really don’t want to go to? “Oh I’m not feeling well at all, must the fact I’m carrying a human inside me, better give it a miss!” Sneaky, yet justified.
10. We make the sign of the cross at the following things in a bid to keep them far, FAR away: smoked salmon, high heels, eggs, coffee, marathons and skinny jeans. Especially skinny jeans. Be gone evil demon!