My teenage daughter uses my mortifying secrets against me

The important thing to remember when you divulge information to your teenage daughter in a bid to help and advise her is that it doesn’t always remain between yourselves.

Chances are when your beloved daughter is feeling a lot better, she may use your embarrassing disclosures against you.

Because teenagers are mean. And that’s just what they do.

More than a few mortifying facts I revealed about myself when attempting heart-to-hearts with my child about sex, relationships and pregnancy soon became fodder among her and her friends.

And yet, I never learn.

Every single time I feel my daughter could benefit from one of her mum’s mishaps, I charge full steam ahead, spill my guts and more often than not, regret it bitterly later.

In an attempt to regain control of the situation, I’ve decided to disclose some of them myself because they’re my hideous stories to tell, damn it!

I’m sorry if some of these have already reached you- those friends of hers are about as discreet as she is.

1. I was under the hideous misconception until the age of 15 that new mothers were obliged to eat their placenta following childbirth.

I was raised in the countryside and it was the done thing among the cows I hung out with.

2. The first time I kissed a boy at the age of 17, I inexplicably clawed at his thighs like a woman possessed.

I thought it was passionate. He thought it was weird.

3. I broke wind during my wedding vows to her dad.

No one knew, but I felt I had ruined the most important moment of my life and the church photos are a bleak reminder that I never went to finishing school.

4. I was once in so much discomfort while pregnant with her older brother, I crawled into the airing cupboard, curled up amongst the sheets and wet myself.

I was three weeks from my due date, so sue me.

5.  I was so excited to learn I was expecting a little girl, I cried for so long the radiographer had to remind me there were other women waiting outside.

And then escorted me outside, still wailing with happiness.

Ah, relief.

Now, she can no longer lord these stories over me.

I’m free.