Brad Kearns had always considered himself a relaxed, cool under pressure, kind of guy.
But when his wife went into labour, Brad noticed that suddenly his coolness just vanished, and took to his Facebook page to share the hilarious details of what happened next.
“The excitement of almost being a dad went straight out the window because holy f**k, a tiny human was about to come out of my wife.”
Brad openly describes his sheer panic whilst trying to get to the hospital and how on arrival he became quite the avid sprinter:
“Parked as quick as I could, rang the shit out of the buzzer, threw her in a wheelchair and sprinted to the maternity ward like it was the f***ing Olympics.”
But his shock and dismay at the calmness of the staff was completely bewildering to him, it was as if they saw women in labour everyday...
“I've just put in a performance that would rival Usain Bolt over the 200m whilst pushing a wheelchair and this old lady casually opens the door like it's a book club meeting and I'm 20 minutes early.”
Adding: “Like she was already angry at me because she had to put down her tea. F**k out of my way woman, my wife is having a baby!”
But all of a sudden he realises there’s a possibility he could be the ‘dumbest person in the room’ because he was the only person in a panic, everyone else was calm:
“Nobody seemed to give much of a shit about the whole 'babies head is bigger than a vagina' thing.”
And he even rationalises that even though he attended those birthing classes, it didn’t matter, he still had no idea what was going on, but one thing he did begin to comprehend was that love really is unconditional.
“You really don't know what love is until you've hosed your naked partner down with warm water in front of complete strangers.”
“This shit was like something off the discovery channel. All bets were off. Dignity was out the window by this point.
I made sure I stood well back because I didn't want to get too cold later if I wet my clothes. Just kidding. I had spare clothes.”
And then it came to the delivery...
“When your wife breaks your arm and demands an epidural with a demon-possessed voice, and it's too late to administer... You're f***ed.”
Brad continues to contemplate what is happening in front of his eyes, trying to suss out why classes show ‘stupid 1980s video where a woman pops this kid out like a morning poo’ when:
“We should have been watching the fucking Exorcism of Emily Rose. I would have at least known what to expect. I would have taken a vial of holy water just in case.”
But, all’s well that ends well, right?
Brad became a dad, his beautiful baby Knox was born, and the new dad admitted: “It was beautiful.”
Well that was ten seconds before he sent out a warning to all expectant fathers out there that they should be ‘very f***ing nervous’.
But he does compliment his wife and all women, even if it is in a very round-a-bout way:
“Childbirth is actually amazing. I don't get how they even go through that?”
Hands up how many dads have had the same reactions?
