Most mums think they know their kids pretty well. But from time to time, they leave you baffled.
Maybe you feel there’s something wrong which they’re just not telling you about. Or maybe you fear they’re up to something they shouldn’t be, but can’t be sure. Or perhaps you just feel you’re drifting apart.
But there are ways to keep the lines of communication as open as possible with your child. Here are a few tips…
Notice the little conversation starters
Sometimes when your child doesn’t tell you about something, it’s because they’re embarrassed or ashamed or just worried about your reaction. For that reason, they might drop a mention of something, hoping that you ‘take the bait’ and bring it up for them. So even if you’re up to your eyeballs, try to listen – carefully.
Ask questions that require real answers
If you ask dull questions that can be easily answered with a ‘yes’, ‘no’ or an ‘I suppose’, then you’ve already lost the battle – especially with a naturally quiet child.
So put more thought into your questions. Instead of asking ‘how was school?’, ask ‘what was the best bit about school today?’ Okay, the answer to that might be ‘the bell ringing at 3pm’ but at least you’ll get a conversation going.
…and make those questions non-judgemental
Kids instinctively want to please their parents, so if they sense that you’re not happy about something they’re doing, they’ll be less likely to talk to you about it. Imagine you think your teen has become sexually active.
If you ask judgemental questions like ‘why don’t you wait until you’re older?’, that’ll only put her on the defensive. Instead, try asking ‘are you sure you feel ready?’ or saying ‘do you feel he treats you nicely? Because you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, you know.'
Don’t get angry if you don’t like their response
If you get mad, they’ll likely shut down, ending the conversation full-stop. Instead, show your vulnerability and hurt. Say ‘ouch!’ and turn away.
Your child will almost certainly feel bad about having hurt you, especially since you haven’t aroused their ire by attacking back.
Stay available
Even when you’re busy, try not to tell your child that you’ll ‘talk about it later.’ If you do, they may feel that you don’t care or that you think their worries are unimportant.
But if you really are too busy to talk, take a minute – even a second – to look at your child. Tell them that you want to talk about whatever it is, but that now is a bad time. Then suggest another time later on. That way, they don’t feel you’re fobbing them off.
Don’t jump in with advice and solutions
If your child is opening up to you, chances are they need to vent. If you dive in with your two cents before they’re finished, they’ll feel you’re not really listening, or you just want to get the talk over with.
They might even feel that you think they’re incompetent. So wait until they’ve got whatever it is off their chest, then you can suggest away!
Set aside some ‘checking in’ time every day
When you’ve had a long, busy day, it’s easy to let quality time fall by the wayside, but it won’t do your relationship with your child any good. For that reason, it’s good to set aside some time each day to ‘check in’ with your child.
Many mums find that bedtime is a good chance to chat, but it’s worth remembering that many kids open up more when no eye contact is involved (i.e. in the car, on a walk).
