“When are you due?”
It’s the dreaded question that really should NEVER be uttered unless you’re sitting in on the sonogram, or even better, the delivery.
Sure, a lovely, caring query when the person in question actually is with child, a crushing blow to the confidence of the lady who isn’t. In fact we even published a guide recently advising you when to ask if a woman’s due, and while tongue-in-cheek, the message is still valid: for the love and honour of God don’t ask unless you know – like know know.
So when we read one woman’s open letter on the devastating effect the question can have when you’re NOT pregnant, we totally felt for her.
The woman posted the letter on Reddit, with the aim to show readers just how hurtful it can be, and to encourage them to think twice before they start buying baby booties for a woman who actually just ate a whopper burrito for lunch.
“With your one question you have made me question my sense of reality, my sense of self, and literally every outfit in my closet,” she wrote. “For the next week at least, I will judge every outfit I try on not with ‘How do I feel in this?’ but ‘Does this make me look pregnant?’”
She even added an edited section at the end, no doubt worried the trolls would descend and tell her it was her own fault for being overweight, or some such drivel. Not that the weight issue is even the primary concern. It's true that for a woman who suffered a miscarriage, the question is beyond painful.
While of course we can concede the question is usually not intended to hurt or offend, and more often than not comes from a good place, we know ourselves how stinging it feels when someone basically tells us we’ve got a big ‘ol belly, and whether it’s true or not, we sure as heck don’t want someone to tell us!
And of course many commenters could relate.
“I once ask the woman who was cutting my hair (while she was wearing a maternity blouse!) how far along she was,” wrote one misfortunate soul. “Worst. Haircut. Ever. I will NEVER, EVER ask that question... I could be standing in the middle of an advanced-term Lamaze class and I wouldn't ask that question. Hell, I could be in the OR, she could have her feet in stirrups, and the baby could be crowning and I still wouldn't ask that question.”
While another clearly knows what’s what: “I got in trouble with a friend for not mentioning her pregnancy. She was finally like, "Are you going to even congratulate me or what??" I'll take that any day over being wrong in the other direction. My dad pulled the move that happened to you when I was 11 and I'll never forget the look on the lady's face whom he asked. I responded to my friend with, "Look, you didn't tell me that you were pregnant, and I would rather you be upset with me for not asking than upset with me for asking, so, sorry.”
“I hate this, too!” wrote another who had been there herself. “It's happened to me twice, once when I was 19 and recovering from an eating disorder (which was NOT good for my self-confidence), and once about a year ago after I had LOST 40lbs (which was not good for my newly found self-confidence). The second time I looked her in the eyes and said, ‘I'm not pregnant, I'm just fat’. The woman looked mortified and I felt kind of triumphant for making her feel bad. Hopefully that’s the last time she asks women about their bodies.”
Have any of these situations ever happened to YOU? Were you the asker? Or the askee? Or the one who errs on the side of ‘better safe than sorry? We’d love to hear from you!
