If you're mum to a toddler, you'll relate!
The toddler years are basically the rock n’ roll years of childhood. Babies are sweet and gurgly, tweens become serious and earnest, and teenagers are all, “Leave me alone mum I’m a grown-up. Wait can I have a lift and money for the cinema?”
But toddlers are a law unto themselves. They’re hard-drinking (okay, it’s just juice, but still) don’t-give-a-damn rock n rollers whose life purpose is to torment us.
Here are 10 reasons these little terrors just don’t give a rootin’ tootin’ DAMN:
1. They’re illogical
Yes, they’re crying because they don’t want to leave the house, even though we told them we’re not going anywhere. They’re sobbing like their heart will break because they want a biscuit, even though they’re holding four. But do you honestly think they care about a little thing called logic?
2. They ignore us
We’re just parents, standing in front of our toddlers, asking them to love us. And if not love us, then at least listen to us. “Darling do you want a yoghurt?” Nothing. “What did you do in crèche today?” Nothing. “Is mummy invisible?” Nothing. But then if we walk more than two footsteps away they start crying and demanding our attention. (See previous point for clarification.)
3. They lie places, places they shouldn’t
The toilet paper aisle in the supermarket. The path outside our house. The public bathroom floor. The heap of leaves in your next door neighbour’s lawn. And God help us if we ask them to get up.
4…They’re defiant
“Stop saying no.” “NO!” Enough said.
5. They’re masters of the bribe
They’re like two, but does that stop them cutting deals like hustlers? Heck no. They drive a hard bargain and instinctively know when’s a good time to start acting up. Mum’s exhausted? Great, time to whine for a packet of Smarties!
6. They’ll nap when they want, where they want
Which is why we’ll often find them asleep standing beside the toilet, or in the dog’s basket.
7. They rat us out
“Mummy said F**K! She gave us crisps for breakfast! Mummy pooed on the toilet today and I saw!” Cool, thanks.
8. They’ve no shame
In fact they enjoy making spectacles of themselves. Which is why they really like stripping off and running around while shouting, “My bum’s coming, my bum’s coming!” when we’ve got guests in the house.
9. They’ve wrapped us around their fingers
No matter what hijinks they’re up to, we remain their loyal, adoring slaves. Just one smile from the little messers and we’re putty in their hands – and they know it!
