You asked

Why is my child so defiant?

It may seem that your child is being defiant, when you tell your toddler to do something, and he or she ignores you, or proceeds to carry out your request as slowly as possible. It’s not actually defiance though.

Your child only recently discovered that they are independent of you, and that they have an influence on the world all of their own. At the same time, they are realising that there are rules, and that you, as mummy and daddy, make and enforce those rules.

When your child displays what seems to be defiance, he or she is actually testing the limits of those rules. Trying to determine how far their boundaries are.

Your child has little grasp that you also want things. All a young child like this understands is that they want something. When they respond to your requests or commands, that’s a little like giving up on those desires and it’s very hard for a child to do!

When you say something like ‘Stay away from the stove, you will burn yourself,’ your child may take this as a sign to test those limits. He or she may edge closer, just to see when that rule stops being a command, and starts becoming action.

Therefore, as you see, it’s not really manipulation, but learning. The best way to counter this kind of behaviour is to be consistent on the rules, make it easier by locking away dangerous or fragile items, and remember to keep your sense of humour.

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