I'm not sure Pilates is for me!

I’ve decided keeping fit is going to be a good thing for me.  Not least because I’ve recently given up smoking and I need something to counter the excessive eating I’m doing, which is already causing great concern to me, and my fave jeans, which no longer fit. But also because it’s a good thing as one ages (granny that I am) to have a head start on keeping the auld metabolism working at a reasonable rate. Or so I'm told.

So I joined a gym (first time ever ever!) and I’ve joined a Pilates class.  I’ve never been to Pilates, in fact I’ve never really done any sort of exercise, so I’m nervous, and to be honest, I just don’t know what to expect, or wear, or bring  (does one need a sweat towel?) or what to say to new class mates.  Will it be weird? I imagine we will we all walk in, and there will be no conversation – it’s not like you can open with:  ‘Hiya. So what are you here for? Oh the Pilates class, cool, yeah, same here.” Well I could I suppose open with that, it's not like I've joined this class to make friends.

And so the first night arrives, and we are all there, and as I had suspected we would be, we are waiting in awkward silence sitting on our mats (my research told me a mat was essential, and that a sweat towel, not so much).  It’s a bit awkward to begin with, but once we get going it doesn’t seem so bad, though I’m still not sure what to expect – I mean is this the warm up?  Or are we actually doing what they term Pilates?  And if so – am I doing it right?  There’s a lot of instruction regarding breathing and contracting of the abs –  and I wonder does anybody know if I'm contracting these abs thingies? Can anybody see if mine are contracting as they should?  I'm tempted to ask one of my classmates, but they all seem way too enthralled so I dare not interrupt.  And I'm also trying to concentrate on this new fangled thing that the instructor calls 'breathing' - she has literally taken over my normal breathing routine and is getting me to inhale and exhale at the most inopportune moments, and all I can think is that I breathe how I breathe and it's worked well thus far, so why are we changing the goal posts now? 

But she continues on with her instructions of ‘inhale, contract the abs, and stretch, and reach the arms right out to beyond your toes and stretch and stretch ....’ I’m still holding my breath at this point, and she’s still talking and I’m about to burst waiting for the ‘and exhale’ instruction, and then without warning and without instruction to exhale, I hear her start it all over again with ‘and inhale deeply, rotate the arms and bounce 2, 3, 4 ...’  And I’m still holding my bloody breath and wondering does that mean I can exhale???? Hello???  Is anybody else still holding their breath? I’m getting dizzy. My face has got to be turning purple at this stage. And so I look around to see how everybody else is doing and while I’m checking them out, I reliase I’m totally out of sync with the instructor and the rest of the class, who incidentally, all appear to be breathing just fine and lack the purple frenzied look on their face that I know I must have.  

So I try to relax, and think about my next move and what I need to do, but I’m a little bit dizzy from holding my breath longer than any normal human being should. So I pause to regroup. And then instructor butts in with: ‘try not to take breaks in between each exercise, just keep it flowing, and inhale, contract the abs and .....’ which is obviously meant for my benefit, so I roll up my mat in defeat  and beat her gently over the head with it, while I run out of the class screaming.  All the while contracting the abs and breathing of course.

Well ok not really, not the bit about beating the instructor, instead I soldiered bravely on thinking of the large latté and chocolate muffin I was going to have when I got home. Well at least it’s not a smoke!