My friend thinks my questionable pastime is almost akin to infidelity

My friend asked me to join her for a yoga session recently.

A dedicated yogi, she’s always on the hunt for new recruits.

Politely declining, I told her I never found yoga particularly relaxing nor did I find it any way invigorating.

When I exercise I like to break a sweat and when I relax I like to do it in the knowledge I can break wind with wild abandon and not find myself clenching my stomach in a group of strangers.

“Fair enough,” she replied. “But how exactly do you actually relax?”

Watching my eyes narrow, she quickly rallied and explained that most people’s normal forms of relaxation appear to irritate me.

Baths - too hot.

Scented candles - too sickly.

Soothing music - too airy fairy.

“I just wonder how exactly you unwind after a long day, is all,” she clarified.

Taking a deep breath, I told her.

“I watch a man remove laptops from their boxes and then list their various functions on YouTube.”

I was, unsurprisingly, met with dead silence.

“I’m sorry”, she said. “You do what?”

“I watch a man called Brad show off laptops.” I replied. “I have no idea what he’s talking about. I don’t know what an ethernet slot is or what RAM is, but I know I like hearing him talk about them. “

My friend surveyed my face for any hint of humour.

Deadpan, I continued.

“I lay the laptop on my chest and I pile cushions behind my head and I watch his latest upload and I can literally feel my entire body relax.”

“But – but, you don’t know anything about technology. Your five-year-old son has to help you turn on the television and you’ve shed tears over your work computer,” she spluttered. “How can it possibly be relaxing to hear someone talk about a subject that brings you nothing but stress?”

“I don’t know, but it just is.”

“Do you have a crush on this Brad bloke, maybe?”

“Possibly.” I replied. “I like the way his hands glide around the edge of the computer when he shows off how sleek it is and I like the way he becomes animated when he talks about touchscreen functions.”

Again, my friend surveyed me for any indication I was pulling her leg.

"Can you hear youself? " she asked.

“Honestly, I can’t help it. Because I know nothing about it, I just find myself switching off and drifting away. My eyes get heavy and I just completely unwind.”

“Does himself know about this?” she asked, referred to my husband.

“It’s hardly an affair I’m conducting, but yes, he knows I watch laptop reviews online.”

“Fair enough,” she replied.

Returning to her coffee, she muttered: “Christ, you think you know someone…”

Indeed.